Saturday, September 13, 2003
Testimony. Two weeks ago, Canaan had a mandarin concert performed by AiNESIS. Beside the fact that all of the members of the band were musically talented, I was touched by the journey each of them faced that led them to become Christians. After that night, I was perplexed. Why is it that their testimony can bring about tears and draw people to yearn for the love of God? Yet my testimony seems to pale in comparison and does not have that contagious effect? Am I less passionate about God? Why is my witnessing not as effective? Have I failed to recognize the great things that God has done for me? I was determined to recount God's grace and mercies.
My story.
All my life, I knew God. Undeniably, it is the blessing of being borned into a Christian family and raised in a church environment. However, because of that, I could never tell people how Jesus changed my life since I did not have the so-called “born-again” or “life-changing” experience. In fact, I often wished that I had not known Him so that I could experience the joy of discovering Him. God’s faithfulness in taking care of me was taken for granted. I thought it was just the way things were. If you asked me what it meant to be a Christian, I would have told you that you could do whatever you want as long as you don't harm anybody.
In college, I was not any different from the non-Christians. I blended in pretty well with the crowd, pursued the same things, and did whatever makes me happy. My relationship with God, well... that is between me and God and I was under no obligation to do anything in return. I strived to please everyone and be the nicest person. That was what I built my identity on.
There was only one thing that took control of me, the feeling of being in love. I would go head over heals and let my emotions led the way. After all, there couldn’t be anything wrong with love, or so I thought. It was the one thing that would make me completely happy. I would do anything for that one girl. Even a glimpse of her would brighten my day. I was interested in finding out anything and everything about her; her hobbies, her favorite music, her classes...etc. When I found out that she listens to U2, I bought four U2 albums and listened to them over and over. I even started to learn Japanese after knowing that she was half-Japanese.
I would change my principles just so that I could relate to her better. One time, she told me that her favorite thing to do was to get high and doodle in her room. When I heard that, my heart was crushed. Why would a nice girl like her smoke pot? I kept an open mind and I was determined to understand why. I was curious in knowing what was going on through her mind? In order for that to happen, I had to try it myself. My value system was definitely turned upside down. I no longer knew what was right and what was wrong. One thing led to another, I joined a fraternity, drank alcohol, tried cigarettes… Even though I did some crazy stuff, by the grace of God, I still graduated from college.
Working life was stable, yet monotonous. A close friend of mine was studying in Japan and he invited me to visit him. There, I met my first girlfriend. It was a romantic beginning. She held my hand as snow drifted down in the ancient city of Kyoto. By that time, I had kept God out of the picture. Yes, I may have prayed to God when I needed help, but I certainly did not base any of my decisions on God. Even though I knew my new girlfriend was not a Christian, that didn’t bother me. I felt she deserves as much love as anybody else. I did not mention to her anything about God nor did I felt the need to share my convictions. As our relationship deepens, we were both surprised to find that it was tough for her to fit into my family. As much as we tried, the different belief stood between my family and her. There was no compromise to be made. My sense of identity was threatened because I could not please everyone and I was on the verge of losing the person to whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My very self was falling apart.
What came after was the inevitable…the rock bottom of my life. I remember crying for many nights, feeling helpless, frustrated, thinking why did it happen? Love was supposed to conquer all things!! Didn’t the Bible say “Perfect love cast off all fears”? I could not forget what she asked me, “If we were to break up, why do you think God would allow such a suffering to happen?”
Yes, I did not understand God and His ways. However, as I reflected on my life and my journey, I felt a love beyond anything I ever known. I realized that God did not leave me despite that I turned away from him and ignored him time after time. He came running to me, holding my hands, comforting me, wiping away my tears. He called me his child, told me that I could lean on him, that things will be okay, that he will grant me understanding, that he has not held any grudge on me. For the first time, God was real to me. The fact is He never changed. It was the brokenness that changed me.
Some time later, my question was answered. Pastor Dan had a message on “The building of Meaningful Relationships”. He said, “How can you have perfect love by two imperfect person? Make Christ the most important person and you won’t feel fear nor rejection?” Yes, it is true that a love that is not Christ centered is a selfish one and one that does not last.
Sure, I knew a lot about Jesus, but that knowledge didn’t fill my life. Until I take the life-changing step to put Jesus first in my life, I have not become His. As Tim Keller says, “If I build my identity on anything in this world, it is unstable and I will lose it. Even if I gain the whole world, the whole world can not give me a stable self. But, if I build my identity on Jesus, on who he is, what he has done, I will have a self that I can not lose, I will find a true self.”
My story.
All my life, I knew God. Undeniably, it is the blessing of being borned into a Christian family and raised in a church environment. However, because of that, I could never tell people how Jesus changed my life since I did not have the so-called “born-again” or “life-changing” experience. In fact, I often wished that I had not known Him so that I could experience the joy of discovering Him. God’s faithfulness in taking care of me was taken for granted. I thought it was just the way things were. If you asked me what it meant to be a Christian, I would have told you that you could do whatever you want as long as you don't harm anybody.
In college, I was not any different from the non-Christians. I blended in pretty well with the crowd, pursued the same things, and did whatever makes me happy. My relationship with God, well... that is between me and God and I was under no obligation to do anything in return. I strived to please everyone and be the nicest person. That was what I built my identity on.
There was only one thing that took control of me, the feeling of being in love. I would go head over heals and let my emotions led the way. After all, there couldn’t be anything wrong with love, or so I thought. It was the one thing that would make me completely happy. I would do anything for that one girl. Even a glimpse of her would brighten my day. I was interested in finding out anything and everything about her; her hobbies, her favorite music, her classes...etc. When I found out that she listens to U2, I bought four U2 albums and listened to them over and over. I even started to learn Japanese after knowing that she was half-Japanese.
I would change my principles just so that I could relate to her better. One time, she told me that her favorite thing to do was to get high and doodle in her room. When I heard that, my heart was crushed. Why would a nice girl like her smoke pot? I kept an open mind and I was determined to understand why. I was curious in knowing what was going on through her mind? In order for that to happen, I had to try it myself. My value system was definitely turned upside down. I no longer knew what was right and what was wrong. One thing led to another, I joined a fraternity, drank alcohol, tried cigarettes… Even though I did some crazy stuff, by the grace of God, I still graduated from college.
Working life was stable, yet monotonous. A close friend of mine was studying in Japan and he invited me to visit him. There, I met my first girlfriend. It was a romantic beginning. She held my hand as snow drifted down in the ancient city of Kyoto. By that time, I had kept God out of the picture. Yes, I may have prayed to God when I needed help, but I certainly did not base any of my decisions on God. Even though I knew my new girlfriend was not a Christian, that didn’t bother me. I felt she deserves as much love as anybody else. I did not mention to her anything about God nor did I felt the need to share my convictions. As our relationship deepens, we were both surprised to find that it was tough for her to fit into my family. As much as we tried, the different belief stood between my family and her. There was no compromise to be made. My sense of identity was threatened because I could not please everyone and I was on the verge of losing the person to whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My very self was falling apart.
What came after was the inevitable…the rock bottom of my life. I remember crying for many nights, feeling helpless, frustrated, thinking why did it happen? Love was supposed to conquer all things!! Didn’t the Bible say “Perfect love cast off all fears”? I could not forget what she asked me, “If we were to break up, why do you think God would allow such a suffering to happen?”
Yes, I did not understand God and His ways. However, as I reflected on my life and my journey, I felt a love beyond anything I ever known. I realized that God did not leave me despite that I turned away from him and ignored him time after time. He came running to me, holding my hands, comforting me, wiping away my tears. He called me his child, told me that I could lean on him, that things will be okay, that he will grant me understanding, that he has not held any grudge on me. For the first time, God was real to me. The fact is He never changed. It was the brokenness that changed me.
Some time later, my question was answered. Pastor Dan had a message on “The building of Meaningful Relationships”. He said, “How can you have perfect love by two imperfect person? Make Christ the most important person and you won’t feel fear nor rejection?” Yes, it is true that a love that is not Christ centered is a selfish one and one that does not last.
Sure, I knew a lot about Jesus, but that knowledge didn’t fill my life. Until I take the life-changing step to put Jesus first in my life, I have not become His. As Tim Keller says, “If I build my identity on anything in this world, it is unstable and I will lose it. Even if I gain the whole world, the whole world can not give me a stable self. But, if I build my identity on Jesus, on who he is, what he has done, I will have a self that I can not lose, I will find a true self.”
Monday, September 08, 2003
Busy Sunday. Yesterday was an unusually busy sunday with no time to rest. After coming back from camping, went to lunch at TK Noodle, hit the Gym with Mark and Tim, stopped by work to check emails, shower, Youth Counselor Meeting and then James and Luwen's Surprise Birthday Party.
Camping. Went camping at Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park over the weekend. Even though it has been a year since we were last there, the memory seemed only yesterday. This time around, it didn't feel like we were away from civilization. Perhaps it is because we drove every where we went and we spent an afternoon beach hopping. But I got to say, I enjoyed the beautiful scenery and the relaxing atmosphere none the less.
Highlights include:
* Going to K-Mart to get a Joe Boxer camping chair for Byron. =) You just got to see the chair for yourself.
* Having cup o' noodle 3 days in a row. Personal record.
* Seeing live jelly fish for the first time.
* Touching sea otter furs. It was extremely SOFT.
* Seeing Eon eating lots of marshmellows and then trying to up the camp fire with vegetable oil.
* Night hiking and photography with Andrew and Joseph.
* Packing up the activity tent with Dr. Andy. We were laughing non-stop trying to squeeze the huge tent inside this small bag, then squeezing it again inside an even smaller box.
* I am still amazed at how much stuff Andrea and I were able to pack into the small trunk space of my A4. Among the three cars, we were able to bring everything back. Hew, what a relief.
Much props to:
-Karen for organizing the carpooling.
-JT and Andrea for putting up the tents before we arrived.
-Alex for being a great tour guide and for preparing delicious steak for dinner.
-Andy for waking up 7 in the morning to cook breakfast and leading worship.
-and last but not least, those who did the dishes so that I didn't have to... =P
See pictures here.
Highlights include:
* Going to K-Mart to get a Joe Boxer camping chair for Byron. =) You just got to see the chair for yourself.
* Having cup o' noodle 3 days in a row. Personal record.
* Seeing live jelly fish for the first time.
* Touching sea otter furs. It was extremely SOFT.
* Seeing Eon eating lots of marshmellows and then trying to up the camp fire with vegetable oil.
* Night hiking and photography with Andrew and Joseph.
* Packing up the activity tent with Dr. Andy. We were laughing non-stop trying to squeeze the huge tent inside this small bag, then squeezing it again inside an even smaller box.
* I am still amazed at how much stuff Andrea and I were able to pack into the small trunk space of my A4. Among the three cars, we were able to bring everything back. Hew, what a relief.
Much props to:
-Karen for organizing the carpooling.
-JT and Andrea for putting up the tents before we arrived.
-Alex for being a great tour guide and for preparing delicious steak for dinner.
-Andy for waking up 7 in the morning to cook breakfast and leading worship.
-and last but not least, those who did the dishes so that I didn't have to... =P
See pictures here.
